PADDY'S PUB

Here at Restaurant Fiction. We have established standard protocols when frequenting a dive bar to make it a good time, all of the time.

These rules come from an in-depth case study on the Philly bar, Paddy’s Pub.

1: Must show up by 6 am. The perfect witching hour for a dive bar to show their true cards and who their clientele really is.

2. No bouncer. No carding. If crack heads wait outside, that’s fine as long as they don’t go schizo and hurt anyone outside of themselves.

3. If you don’t step in gum, broken glass, barf, a human being sleeping on the floor, rats, it’s not worth your time.

4. If there are actually people working there or doing their jobs like pouring and serving you a beer, not worth your time either.

5. There needs to be total anarchy with the honor and layaway system. Never offer to pay.

6. Start early, and we don’t mean the time of day. We mean your age. It’s not our job to tell you what particular year. You’ll know it when you feel it.

7. Never ever use the bathroom, the basement, or the attic.

And that’s that. Follow those 7 rules, and you’ll always have a consistently good time.